


Someone From The Past

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 10:50:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16871566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: Bucky met Reader while he was the winter soldier. After Fury gives him a new mission, he can’t stay focused.Warnings: blood, mentions of sex, cursing





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my Tumblr: @nikky-the-writter

˝This are informations for your next mission˝ Fury gave the files to Steve and Bucky. They were the only one in the room, which brought suspicious in both men. Bucky opened the file and stare at it blankly.

˝What is this? ˝

˝What do you mean? ˝ Steve asked, concerned for his friend.

˝Look at the file˝ 

Steve opened the file and his eyes landed on the picture in the left corner. It was an older picture of a young woman, the same woman whose picture Bucky was keeping in his room.

˝But she is dead?!˝ Steve said and waited for Fury to explain what was happening.

˝What do you mean she is dead? She was alive this morning when Hill came with the security pictures from yesterday. Don’t tell me you did something stupid.˝  Fury sat at the table in front Steve and Bucky.

˝It can’t be her, it’s not Y/N. ˝

˝What do you mean it can’t be her. Explain Barnes.˝ Fury took Steve’s file and looked at the photo.

˝The woman on the picture, she died ten years ago. ˝

˝How come that I have her new pictures, then?˝ Fury got up and left the room coming a few minutes later. Bucky and Steve haven’t said a word to each other. Bucky was just looking at the picture not hearing Fury when he came back. Fury throw the pictures on the table in front the two super soldiers.

˝This can’t be her. ˝

˝How can she look the same? It’s been ten years when Buck last saw her. ˝ Steve needed answers. Y/N was the only woman that his friend loved, although Bucky was the Winter soldier then, but because of her Bucky felt human.

˝Barnes, how do you know who she is, was she experimented on? ˝

˝No, no! ˝ Bucky throw the pictures on the floor, he could barely breath. He couldn’t control his emotions. He was pacing around the room trying to breathe.

˝Bucky, calm down.˝ Steve stood next to the glass wall.

˝Calm down? No!˝ Bucky hit the glass wall behind Steve with his metal arm. The glass shattered to pieces and everyone was looking towards Bucky.

˝She is dead!˝ 

* * *

Steve walked into Bucky’s room and saw Bucky sitting in the corner of his room. He sat next to him holding the file in his hands.

˝Fury still needs us on this Buck˝ Steve said quietly and handed him the file. Bucky took it and put it on the floor next to his body.

˝How can she still look the same? ˝

˝I don’t know. Are you sure that they didn… ˝

˝She wasn’t the part of the Hydra. Nobody knew about her until they killed her in front of me. ˝

˝How did they find out? ˝

˝I don’t know. I met her in Romania and whenever I could, I went to see her. ˝ Bucky smiled at the memory when he met you.

˝Was there anything strange the last time you saw her in Romania? ˝

˝Yes, when I came back to her, she was gone. Her apartment was empty, like nobody had lived there. I asked people who lived in the apartment next to her and they said that nobody lived there for years. ˝

˝Hydra probably paid them to keep their mouth shut. ˝

˝I can’t understand how is she alive. She is dead, it can’t be her. ˝

˝We’ll find out what is going on. I promise˝

* * *

_It was raining while you were walking home. You forgot your umbrella because it was sunny when you were leaving your apartment. Your hair was wet and it was sticking to your face. You loved the rain, but you also had to hurry home to fill some papers and sign them for your boss. You were about to walk in when you saw a man sitting on the stairs that led to your building. He had a cap on his head, but you could still see blood on his face. The rain was falling on him, but he didn’t seem to care about it. You knew that there was a chance that he was a bad man, but you still had to offer him your help._

_˝Vă simțiți bine (Are you okay)? ˝ You asked the man and he quickly looked up._

_˝What? ˝ His voice was raspy and he seemed tired._

_˝You speak English?!˝_

_˝Yes˝_

_˝Not Romanian? ˝ You were wondering what was a tourist doing here that late._

_˝I do speak Romanian, but you just surprised me. English just comes naturally to me. ˝_

_You smiled a little. He was cute and he had beautiful blue eyes. They were like the deepest parts of the ocean you could lose yourself in them._

_˝I should go˝ His voice brought you back from your thoughts and you could see his eyes wondering around. He looked confused and scared. He was dressed in all black. Your eyes landed on his black hoodie it looked like he had something weird underneath, but you still couldn’t keep your mouth closed._

_˝Do you need a place to stay? ˝_

_He looked at you, surprised and smiled at you._

_˝You don’t know me? ˝_

_˝Well I got all night to get to know you. ˝_

_˝But I am a stranger˝_

_˝So was my best friend once and now she isn’t. ˝_

_You unlocked the door of your building and waited for him to come in._

_˝So, do you take people from your doorsteps often? ˝_

_You just smiled at his question. He walked slowly behind you. You were pretty sure that he was injured. You turned the lights on when you walked into your apartment._

_He stopped walking when you reached your living room. He lost you from his sight for a second. When he saw you again, you had the first aid kit in your right hand and a pair of sweatpants and shirt in your left._

_˝Take that off, take a shower and then come back here. The bathroom is there˝_

_You showed him the white door with your finger._

_˝I don’t even know your name. ˝_

_˝It’s Y/N and yours? ˝_

_˝Bucky, I think˝ He wasn’t sure what his name was. After his mission today, he got the piece of his memory back and that made him confused._

 

_It’s been ten minutes since he went to the bathroom and you still couldn’t hear the water from your shower. You knocked on the door._

_˝Bucky, are you okay? ˝_

_He didn’t say anything, but the door open slightly and you walked in._

_He was still in his clothes sitting on the end of your bathtub._

_˝Do you need help? ˝_

_˝Yes, but I can’t let you help me. ˝_

_˝Why? I understand if you are insecure with your body, a lot of people are, but I don’t judge.˝_

_He looked down at his hands, he still had his gloves on._

_˝I don’t want to scare you of˝_

_˝You won’t˝ You took the hem of his hoodie in your hand and you started pulling it over his head. He winced in pain. You didn’t even notice it because all of your attention was on his tactical gear and his metal arm._

_˝Please don’t look at it.˝_

_˝Why? Is fascinating˝ You smiled and reached towards his arm._

_He was silently watching your every mov_ _e. He could feel your fingers on it. You reached toward his buckles on his jacket. After you helped him, leaving him only in his boxers you left._

_He came into your living room ten minutes after, only wearing a towel._

_You already saw his body, but you couldn’t stop staring at him. He cleared his_ throat _. His cheeks were red as well as yours._

_˝Oh, I forgot to give you clothes. Sorry.˝ You handed him clothes that you prepared for him._

_˝It should fit you, it’s my friends he is the similar build as you. ˝_

_˝Thank you˝_

_˝Don’t put the shirt on˝_

_Bucky suddenly stopped and he could feel heat in his cheeks. Something that he couldn’t remember if he ever felt._

_˝I have to fix your cuts. I have to put bandages on. ˝_

_˝Ohh˝ He came closer to you and you lead him to your couch._

_˝This is going to hurt˝ You sterilize his cut. He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes close._

_You fixed his cut and you let him to put the shirt on. You took another gauze and you poured alcohol on it. You gently cleaned his cut on his cheek and you could feel his jaw clenches under your touch. You wiped few drops of alcohol on his face with your finger. He put his left arm on your hand and your fingers stopped on his jaw. You gazed in his eyes, you could see every shade of blue in them._

_˝Can I… ˝_

_You nodded before he could even finish his question._

_A second later his lips were on yours. Your heart was beating faster and you could feel him smiling into the kiss. You were the first one to pull away. You couldn’t stop smiling, you lowered your head looking at your hands._

_˝I’m sorry. Did I make you uncomfortable?˝ He asked, pulling your chin up with his finger._

_˝No, no..completely the opposite. ˝_

_After he heard your words he leaned in for another kiss._


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been a week since Fury gave them the orders. Bucky and Steve would spend day and night sitting on the roof looking at her apartment with a sniper. They didn’t watch her together they would change, every other day. The mission was pretty simple, they just had to wait. Fury got the Intel that the important informations were on the flash drive that will be sold through her as a middle man. They couldn’t take her in if they weren’t sure if she has the flash drive.

Bucky was laying on the ground looking through her window. The light was coming through her window, he could see her slowly dancing. He felt nostalgic and he would fall asleep just looking at her and the way she moved. Only thing that was keeping him up was the loud New York traffic. Her long hair was flying around in the air as she spins in her socks on the wooden floor. He was mesmerized by her so he blinked a few times trying to wake up from this torture. After he opened his eyes, he lost the sign of her. He moved his sniper searching for a threat. He lowered it and saw her sitting on the floor laughing. The smile grow on his face and he was watching her with the adoration. He knew that it wasn’t you, the girl he loved, but she did look a lot like you and had the similar movements. She fixed her headphones on her head and shuffled through her phone. Bucky was trying to guess what song was she listening, but he wouldn’t probably guess because he didn’t really listen to the music from this age. You  did suggeste him a few of your favorite songs, but his favorite part was listening to your voice while you sang.

The woman in the apartment was in her kitchen cooking when he saw a man approaching her from behind. He put his finger on the trigger and he almost pulled it, but he saw her turning around and she hugged him. Bucky still couldn’t move his finger from the trigger, she reminded him so much of you.

* * *

  


 

_Bucky was sitting in his boxers playing the soft melody on your piano. You were still asleep and he didn’t want to wake you. He didn’t need to look at the notes he knew some melodies by his heart. His fingers were meeting the cold keyboards of the piano that brought memories to him, happy ones. He could hear you coming in the room on the tip of your toes, but he didn’t stop playing. You put your arms around his neck, in the past he would flinch at the sudden contact, but after so much time that he spend with you he got used to it, but he could still feel the electricity going through his body when you would touch him._

_˝Did I woke you?˝ He asked with a low voice, moving his fingers from the piano to your hands._

_˝No, but I wish you did.˝ You kissed the top of his head and you sat beside him. The words were unnecessary at the moment. You slowly took his hands in yours and you placed them on the piano. You were keeping your palms on the top of his and you started playing the melody gently moving his hands with yours. He smiled at you, you were such a delicate person, full of dreams and love. He couldn’t find any reason why were you still with him. He was rarely in Romania, you barely saw him. He had nightmares and he wasn’t sure who he was, but you never showed any sign of regret on your face when you were with him._

_˝If you would ever want to end this, I.. ˝You quickly moved your fingers from him and you brought your hands to your chest._

_˝Are you trying to say that you want it to end? ˝ He lowered his head, ashamed, he didn’t want to let you go, he was selfish. He should’ve thought about your needs and your dreams and not about him._

_He suddenly felt your body leaving his side when he looked up you were standing in front of him. In the small space between his legs and piano. You guessed what he was trying to do, he tried to pull away from you once in a while. Saying that you deserve better and that he will never be good enough for you. But he was wrong, you couldn’t find anyone better because you already loved the best man you could._

_You sneaked your arms around his neck and you sat on his lap with your legs around his torso. Quickly after you sat he set his arms around you holding them on your lower back._

_˝You are doing it again. ˝ You pouted a little and he looked away._

_˝I just.. I don’t see why you have chosen me. ˝_

_˝Because I love you. ˝_

_It was the first time that you actually said that to him to his face, usually you would whisper those words late at night while he was peacefully sleeping next to you._

_˝Did you…? I.. ˝ Bucky was still in shock. You kissed him on his lips and got up from his lap._

_˝When you find the right words you know where you can find me. ˝ You were slowly walking away because you knew he will watch you. You only had his shirt on that barely covered your thighs. Teasingly you swayed your hips more than usually. You glanced back at him only to see him smile. You could see him trying to say something, but he disappeared from your vision when you entered your room. Not even a second later you felt his arms around your waist._

_˝I love you˝ He whispered and he kept repeating it._

_˝I hope that you won’t forget that˝ The words left your mouth before you could stop them. You knew who he was, he didn’t even try to lie to you._

_He turned you around in his arms and looked in your eyes searching for regret or anything that would persuade him to leave. But the only thing he saw in them was love. The way you would look at him, it would make him forget who he was._

_˝I won’t, I promise˝_

_˝I believe you. ˝ You kissed him on the cheek and throw him on your bed. He chuckled at your actions and you could swear it was the sweetest sound that you ever heard. You gently kiss his neck. Your lips were getting lower to his torso while his hands sneak inside your shirt. The coldness of his metal arm made you shiver. You gently suck the skin on his collarbone and he moaned in pleasure. You sat on his torso, putting your legs each on the other side of him. He unexpectedly rolled you over and you smiled at him. He slowly pulled your shirt over your head and he stood still looking at you. Memorizing every inch of your body. You pulled him away from his thoughts kissing him on the lips. He kissed your jaw and he moved his lips across your neck, pressing his body on yours._

_˝I love you˝ You said between moans._

_˝I love you too˝_


	3. Chapter 3

˝You are pulling me out! Why? ˝ Bucky yelled at Fury.

˝Steve as.. ˝

˝Steve? Why would he want me to move from this? ˝Bucky was angry, the vein on his forehead was pulsing. 

˝We got information that her location was compromised. ˝ Fury simply stated. He talked with Steve earlier and Steve asked him to move Bucky away from that girl. He didn’t want Bucky to see her dying again. If it comes to that, Bucky would go back to his old self. Steve spent so long to get him to trust him, to relax next to other people.

˝Then take her in˝

˝We can’t do that Barnes. If she dies, that’s one victim, but if we take her in without the flash drive we’ll have more than one victim. ˝

˝Than at least let me stay. ˝ Bucky wasn’t convinced that that girl was you, but she was the closest that he will ever get to you. You didn’t have a funeral. Hydra probably buried you behind the facility. He never have the place where he could go to be closer to you. The only thing he had was an old picture that he carried wherever he went in the past ten years.

˝Barnes, do you understand the risk? ˝

˝Yes˝ Bucky answered and left the room.

* * *

It’s been three days since Fury wanted to pull him out. He was on the roof. The girl still wasn’t at home, all the lights were off, but deep in his chest, he could feel that something was wrong. He searched for any threat, but there was no movement in or outside the building. He was so caught up in searching for the threat that he didn’t notice her walking in the building. She turned on the light and walked into the kitchen. She didn’t wait untill she reached her room, she started unzipping her dress and letting it fall to the floor. There was something similar in the way she moved her hips, something that you would do only to tease Bucky.

˝Y/N? ˝ Bucky whispered. The tears clouded his vision, he moved the sniper away and he sat next to it. He couldn’t believe it, maybe it was really you. But where were you all this years and how could you even be alive?

His thoughts were interrupted by a big explosion and his body was forced to the floor from the impact. He felt the tug in his heart, like the history was repeating itself, he knew she was dead. When he turned around, her apartment was full of flames and the half of the building collapsed. Nobody could survive it.

˝Fury.. ˝His voice was shaking while he called the director to inform him about the girl.

˝Barnes, is she dead? ˝

˝There was no survivors in her apartment˝ He said with steadier voice, convincing himself that she didn’t mean anything to him that she wasn’t you. But he couldn’t forget about the way she walked away to her room.

˝Pack your stuff Barnes and come back to the Tower. ˝

˝ Yes sir˝

* * *

_˝What are you doing? ˝ You entered your kitchen to see Bucky cooking. You’ve been sleeping for a few hours after you came home._

_˝I wanted to cook you something˝_

_˝And how is that going? ˝ He had a smile on his face and he didn’t want you to see what he was doing. He made a mess and he didn’t want you to think that he is not capable of cooking for you or anything similar._

_˝Hey, babe, it’s fine. ˝ You pulled him into the hug, knowing what bothered him. He suddenly put you over his shoulder and carried you in the bedroom with ease._

_˝Really, are you going to do this every time when you mess up? ˝_

_He hummed in the response._

_˝I’m fine with it, better than fine because the view from this side, well it looks amazing. ˝_

_Bucky giggled at your response and gently put you on the freshly made bed. He went to the bathroom without a word and you were getting confused._

_˝Buck, babe, I’m right here. ˝You waved with your hands and you relaxed on the bed. You had a hard day at work and you were tired, but you haven’t seen Bucky for four months and you wanted to be with him the whole time._

_˝If you don’t come here, I’m going to scream. ˝_

_Quickly after your statement he peered out from the bathroom door. You could hear the water running and you heard him, saying with a deeper voice. ˝Sweetheart, we both know that you will do that if I come to you˝_

_You saw him smirk and just a few seconds later he opened the door fully. Your breath god caught in your throat and your eyes became glossy._

_˝Is that for me? ˝You came closer to the door. There were candles in your bathroom and warm bath prepared for you._

_˝I was thinking if I mess up the dinner at least I will make you a relaxing bath.˝_

_˝Thank you˝ You whispered and sneaked your hands around his waist. You pecked his lips._

_˝You should get in, it will get cold. ˝_

_He pulled your shirt over your head, leaving you only in your shorts. You moved your hand to the hem of his shirt, pulling it slightly._

_˝What are you doing? ˝ He asked through his giggles._

_˝I thought that you could join me˝_

_˝You want me to join you?! ˝_

_˝Oh no, not you Buck. I was asking Casper to join me. ˝ Your voice was steady and you had a serious look on your face._

_˝Who is Casper? ˝_

_˝Bucky, I will pretend that you didn’t really ask me that. And sweety if you don’t take off your clothes and join me, I will throw you out of my apartment completely naked. ˝_

_˝You are going to be naked or I? ˝_

_˝Well, mister if you play your cards right, it will be both of us. ˝_

_He pulled you closer to him holding his fingers at the end of your shorts._

_˝From where I’m standing I think that I have pretty good cards. ˝_

_He closed the space between you two and you relaxed under his touch. He kissed your shoulder and he unbutton his pants. You entered bubbly bath and he joined you sitting behind you. You leaned your back on his chest and you closed your eyes knowing that the man you love will always have your back._

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

The same day when the bomb exploded, Bucky left the Tower, staying at the apartment nearby. He needed some time to think about everything that happened. He couldn’t stay with Steve, knowing that he would try to make him feel better, but he couldn’t. Nobody could make him feel better except you. He spent days in the apartment not leaving it.

Steve would bring him food, but Bucky wouldn’t really talk to him. Bucky started closing in again. His emotions were kept deep inside in front people, but he would spend the night sitting in the corner of his room crying. He would hold your picture in his hand falling asleep on the floor.

It’s been two weeks. Bucky woke up on the floor. He could barely stand on his feet. As he got up, he accidentally kicked one of many empty beer bottles that were next to his bed. He waited for the bottle to roll to the wall, but he never heard the impact. He looked up and he saw a silhouette standing in front of him. Bucky moved the strands of his hair away and stared at the person in front of him. He saw you.

You were wearing your favorite black dress that he bought you for your birthday.

˝Y/N/N? ˝ His voice was raspy and his eyes were red and puffy.

˝What are you doing to yourself, Buck? ˝

You throw the bottle from your hand on the other part of the room. The bottle crashed and Bucky flinched. He was tired and he thought that he was going crazy, but he reached out for you and you were really there.

˝What’s happening to me? ˝ He lowered his body to the floor with you holding him.

˝You will be alright, but you have to let me go. ˝

˝I can’t. ˝ He pulled you closer to his body. You were sitting next to him, holding him in your arms.

˝You are dishonoring the memory of me! ˝

˝No, I would never do that˝ His tears were falling down your skin and his body was shaking.

˝But you are. You are destroying yourself because of me. ˝

˝I can’t let go. You were the only good memory that I have, I love you. ˝

His body was calmer after you put your fingers into his hair stroking his head.

˝What about Steve? He is your friend, he cares about you. And on the top of everything he is still alive. ˝

˝I can’t and I won’t let you go. ˝

˝Than kill yourself Bucky! ˝ He stiffened at your words and he looked you in the eyes. There was no love in them, there was something that he always searched for, the regret, but not regret for those words. The regret for being with him.

˝It’s just a matter of time. You will either kill yourself with starving and other stupidities you are doing, or on the mission. You think that you don’t have the right to live. Then do it! ˝

You moved away from his grip and you stood up, taking the picture that he had. You ripped it in the pieces and you throw it in front of his body. He was sobbing on the ground and he saw you throwing the gun in his direction.

˝Do it. There is nobody who will stop you. Nobody Bucky, nobody. ˝ You whisper.

* * *

_˝What happened? ˝ You asked Bucky who was siting in the kitchen in his tactical gear. His head was low and you didn’t know if he remembered you. You woke up when you heard the front door opening, but something was wrong. Bucky would always come to you to the bed and now he was just sitting in the dark._

_˝Bucky are you okay? ˝You came closer to him. You were holding the gun in your hand. Bucky gave you that gun to keep you safe. You put it on the table because there was no threat. Bucky looked up and his eyes seemed darker. There was no recognition in them. You shouldn’t have placed the gun down, but you did it because you trusted him. After long silence Bucky got up from the chair._

_˝Who is Bucky? ˝ He said with a low voice._

_˝You are Bucky. You are mine Bucky. ˝_

_˝No! ˝He slammed your body to the wall and he holds his arm around your neck._

_˝Why did I come here? ˝ He yelled in your face. You feel his hot breath against your skin. You weren’t scared, you should’ve been, but you weren’t. Because you knew that he was the man you loved._

_˝Bucky˝  He tighten his grip after hearing your voice._

_˝My name is not Bucky! ˝_

_˝Than what is it? ˝_

_Bucky stopped for a second surprised by your question. He couldn’t answer. He didn’t know._

_˝Bucky˝ You whispered, you were barely conscious._

_˝Bucky? ˝ He said quietly and you could feel the grip on you loosening. Your body collapsed to the floor after he removed his hand. You were gasping for air. Not long after, you felt his arms on your body. He sat next to you with tears in his eyes._

_˝I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t… ˝_

_˝Shhhhhh. Hey, look at me. ˝_

_Bucky hesitantly did what you said and you leaned in. You kissed him on the lips, but he didn’t kiss you back, so you pulled away._

_˝Hey, it wasn’t you. ˝_

_˝Yes it was. Y/N/N I did this to you. ˝_

_Red traces formed around your neck and you hissed when his finger grazed your skin._

_˝You are afraid of me. I should go˝_

_˝No!˝ You pulled him back down not letting him leave._

_˝You can’t do that just because we hit the bump in the road. You can’t pull back Buck. It doesn’t work that way. I love you and I’m not letting you go. ˝_

_˝But I hurt you˝_

_˝And I’ll heal, don’t worry. It will be gone sooner than you think. It’s just my body, I still love you and I will love you until the moment when I die and even after that. Of course I know it will be hard. But it’s harder for you than for me. Believe me Bucky I won’t let you go, no matter what you do. I promise. ˝_

_˝That’s a big promise doll. I don’t want you to keep it. I promise that I’ll never let the Winter soldier to hurt you again˝_

_˝I know you won’t and I’ll also keep my promise, I will. There is nothing that you could do to make me hate you. ˝_

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky woke up on the floor. He couldn’t figure out what happened. He remembers having the gun in his hand, putting the barrel to his head, but then something hit him in the head. Your picture was in pieces. He tried to take every piece, he tried to put them together, but it was destroyed. 

The smell of coffee turned his attention to the kitchen, but he ignored it. It was probably Steve. He walked away from the picture and he went to the bathroom to take a shower. He was sitting naked letting the water to fall on his body. His tears were disappearing with water into the drain. After more than thirty minutes he got up and he put some clothes, he pulled his hair into the bun glancing at the pieces of the picture while walking in the kitchen.

˝You didn… ˝

He stopped mid sentence when he saw you sitting in front of the window. The curtains were open and the rays of the sun were falling on your skin.

˝Coffee is still hot, I made you fresh one˝

He just stared at you. He thought it was you, but it couldn’t be. Earlier, he was a mess he could be fooled, but not now. He didn’t have any weapon with him, but he could fight. He had the strength for it. Especially for the person that stole your name and your face.

˝Who are you? ˝ He asked

˝Who am I? ˝

˝You are not Y/N she is dead. They killed her˝ Bucky step closer ready to attack.

˝They? ˝

˝Hydra. You could at least do your research, before you took her face. ˝ Bucky was angry, not just because of the girl in the apartment, but because she made him feel the same way as you did. He wanted to smile, he wanted to put his arms around her because every fiber in his body screamed that that was you. Could his body be right?

˝Hydra? Is that what are you telling yourself before you go to sleep? You don’t have the right to use that word. It’s time to admit to yourself Bucky. It’s time to admit everyone what kind of monster you really are. You pulled the trigger. You shot me and the bullet smashed my skull and you didn’t even blink. ˝

˝No! ˝ Bucky tightens his fists. ˝No, no, no… ˝

˝It wasn’t the first time that you betrayed me. I’m starting to think that the betrayal is coming naturally to you. ˝

˝You are not her! ˝ He yelled.

˝You are partially right, I am not her anymore Bucky, but I was. ˝

You put your finger on his chin and you look him in the eyes.

˝I think you finally found it in my eyes earlier. I loved you, but now I’m regretting meeting you. I regret every word that I said to you, every time I made you smile. I regret every kiss, every touch, every whisper. I regret that you are still alive. ˝

˝Y/N/N? ˝

˝I should have changed my name. I hate hearing you saying it. ˝

You walked closely to him bumping into him.

˝Would you be a doll and send the message to Fury? Please tell him that I don’t want to see any of his man or I’ll use the flash drive. He should listen because after all, I have the key for all the locked doors. ˝ You smiled.

˝They are going to kill you˝

˝Because of the flash drive?˝Bucky nodded.

˝Why should they? Why kill a person who just handed the drive? ˝

Bucky looked confused and then he saw the window. You were standing there in a plain sight. If anybody watched your interaction they would guess that you just gave him the flash drive.

˝They are.. ˝

˝Yes Bucky. Enjoy. I have to hurry back. It kinda bothers me that I won’t kill you, but it shouldn’t be personal. It’s just a mission. Just like I was yours. There was nothing personal about it. ˝

* * *

_The air was thick and you could barely breath with the bag over your head and something that they put in your mouth. They forced you to walk. You didn’t know where you were. It’s been weeks since they kidnapped you from your apartment back in Romania._

_˝Faster˝ One man said, pushing your body._

_Suddenly they pulled you back to stay in one place, they removed the bag from your face and the thing from your mouth._

_˝What do you want? ˝ You asked them._

_˝A perfect soldier. ˝A man said, walking in the room with the larger man behind him. He looked familiar, but you couldn’t see clearly. Your eyes couldn’t adapt to the bright light._

_˝No˝ You simply said. You already knew your way out and it was only in a body bag._

_˝No? No to what? ˝_

_˝He won’t do it. So just get over it.˝ You said after you recognized Bucky._

_˝He won’t? ˝_

_˝Why don’t you do it? You want to move him away from me, so do it! He would never hurt me. ˝_

_Bucky just stood next to the man. You knew that he wasn’t himself, but he promised you. He would never hurt you._

_˝You are so sure. But I’m not. ˝ The man sat on the metal chair in front of where you were standing._

_˝You know it was alright at first. We didn’t care who he fucks, he is only a man, so we weren’t surprised that he is screwing some whore, but it wasn’t just sex with you. Was it? ˝_

_˝It seems like you already know everything. ˝_

_˝Soldier˝ The man said and Bucky came closer. His face was blank, there was nothing, no emotions._

_˝Kill her or.. ˝ He turned to you. ˝Beg him not to.˝ Bucky pulled the gun from his holster and he put it close to your head._

_˝You promised˝ You whispered with pain in your voice, but you didn’t beg. You were standing with your head high looking Bucky in his eyes. You knew what was coming._

_˝Is that a no? You won’t beg your man? I could give him one more moment to fuck you, maybe then he will remember˝ He started laughing and you said nothing._

_˝Tell me something, did we make him good? Was he a good fuck? ˝ He asked with a smug smile on his face._

_You turned to the man and you smirked. ˝Well, maybe you think that he is your creation, but it doesn’t mean that you are less virgin if he had sex. ˝_

_˝I could show you.˝ He laughed and moved closer to you._

_At the same moment when the man came closer, you looked at Bucky. He pulled the trigger._

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky left the apartment the same day as you left. He was determined in finding you. He even made a plan how he will do it. He walked to the Avengers tower to find Steve.

˝Steve! ˝ Bucky yelled at blond who was watching TV in living area.

˝She is alive˝

Steve turned around and looked at Bucky with raised eyebrows. ˝You mean she… in that girl or.. ˝

˝Y/N, she is that girl. ˝ Bucky sat next to his friend with a frown on his face.

˝Shouldn’t you be happy about it? Bucky the woman you love is alive. ˝

˝She doesn’t love me. ˝ Bucky lowered his head in his hands and Steve put his hand on his shoulder.

˝Why wouldn’t she love you? ˝

˝I killed her. ˝

Steve moved his hand slightly confused. He thought that he misses hearing him, but then Bucky repeated.

˝It was me, it wasn’t Hydra, I shot her. ˝

˝But she is alive, how? ˝

˝I don’t know, I.. ˝

˝Guys, Fury called for both of you. ˝ Natasha said, taking the remote from Steve.

˝Why? ˝

˝I don’t know, he is in the office. ˝

* * *

Bucky and Steve walked in silence. There were so many things that Steve wanted to say to Bucky, but he couldn’t think of any sentence that would make Bucky feel better.

Fury’s office was actually Tony’s office that Fury sometimes used, athough there were so many empty offices in the building.

˝Should I tell him? ˝Bucky asked Steve after a long silence.

˝I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t think that have anything to do with him, it’s personal. ˝

˝There is nothing personal in my life Steve. I was observed every day for past 70 years. ˝

Bucky walked into the office his full attention on Fury who was sitting at the table.

˝Now, when you are finally here I want you to meet agent Y/L/N, who I believe Barnes already knows. ˝

Bucky turned around and he saw you sitting on the couch. You were wearing black pants with white shirt and leather jacket. He actually never saw you dressed like that. Your hair was placed in the messy bun and you looked happy?

˝What? Agent? ˝ While Bucky was standing still confused Steve offered you to shake his hand and you gladly got up from your seat to do so.

˝Nice to meet you. I heard a lot about you. ˝Steve said politely glancing at Bucky.

˝Really? I hope nothing too bad. ˝You smiled and Bucky tightened his fists.

˝Agent!? ˝

Fury looked at Steve and they quickly left the office. They could hear yelling and it was Bucky’s voice.

˝Why were we watching her if she was an agent? ˝

˝We thought that she went rogue. She didn’t come in, she stayed with people that she should’ve kept a distance. She actually did a great job. She fooled us all. And the bomb, I couldn’t have done it better. ˝

˝But how did she survive? ˝

˝She didn’t say. She approached us about five years ago. She would only take long missions. She was on the mission that took three years. She is dedicated and smart. ˝

˝But she…. ˝ Steve stopped when he finally heard your voice yelling at Bucky.

 

˝What should have I done? Go crawl to the man that killed me. ˝

˝Well you are obviously not dead. ˝

˝Not thanks to you, asshole! ˝ You sat down calming yourself. Bucky looked at you he never saw you like that you were always caring, you would never yell at him.

˝How did you survive? ˝

˝I died and then I wasn’t dead anymore.˝

˝I jus.. ˝

˝Shut up. I don’t want to hear your excuses. And no I didn’t work for Fury when we met. I was normal when we met, except the thing that I can’t die, I heal. That’s why I was never scared of taking anyone to my home, nobody can hurt me. At least I thought so. ˝

Bucky sat next to you and surprisingly you didn’t move away from him.

˝Who hurt you? ˝

˝You Buck. You were the only one that I trusted and then you broke your promise and my heart. ˝

˝I’m sorry, I’ll do anything to make things better. ˝Bucky had a hopeful smile on his face which disappeared after you started talking.

˝No. There is nothing you could do. You are ten years late. ˝

˝I love you. I know that  we will never go back to who we used to be, but I want you to know how sorry I am. ˝

˝And you should be. ˝

You left him in the office and you headed to your new room where you will be staying in the Tower.

* * *

˝Clint! ˝ Clint almost dropped the glass when he saw you.

˝Oh God, come here! ˝ You hugged him in front of everyone and he pulled you off the ground.

˝I missed you, you idiot. ˝ You said, kissing him on the nose. There was nothing going on between you two, you were just friends, but very close friends. He was the first person that you met in SHIELD after Fury. You went with him on a few missions, you were even friend with his wife. He put you down and he introduced you to everyone. Bucky was watching from afar. The jealousy inside him was growing. He wanted you to hug him like that, he wanted you to hold him. He let the tear roll down his cheek.

˝Did you became a stalker now? ˝ Sam asked, sitting on the sofa next to him.

˝Go away! ˝

˝Oh, I see you like her. I don’t think that she will even notice you when I’m sitting here. ˝

˝You are a jerk. ˝ Bucky took a deep breath and he looked at Sam. ˝Do you really think that she would chose someone like you? She would never choose any egotistical idiot who wouldn’t know how to treat her. ˝

˝And what would she choose? ˝You asked, standing a foot away from him.

Bucky was caught like a deer in the headlights

˝What, Buck? I think that she would like to go out with anybody that wouldn’t try to kill her at the end of the date. ˝

˝I’m sorry. I love you so much˝ You heard everyone whispering around you and then you said it.

˝I know, but if you love me, you will have to let me go. ˝

The whole room went quiet and the only thing that could be heard were your heels that were moving towards your room.


	7. Chapter 7

You were at the gym punching a boxing bag when you felt someone’s hand on your shoulder. You quickly turned around moving your earbuds.

˝Steve, what are you doing here? ˝

˝Can we talk? ˝ You nodded and you sat on the bench nearby. ˝Can you.. ˝

˝No˝ You cut him off knowing what he will ask you. You were already two months in the Tower and the whole time you were avoiding Bucky.

˝Please just listen to me. ˝

˝Fine, but just because I respect you. ˝

˝Please talk with him Y/N. ˝

˝I don’t have anything to say to him. ˝ You were playing with water bottle in your hands.

˝You have. ˝Steve said, looking at you.

˝You don’t know me Rogers, so stop it. ˝

˝I don’t know you, but if I had the chance that you have right now. If I had a chance to be happy with Peggy. I would take it. ˝ Steve’s voice was a pitch higher, you knew about him and Peggy. She died just two weeks after you moved into the Tower.

˝It’s not the same. She never betrayed you, but Bucky… ˝ You took a shaky breath collecting your thoughts. ˝He ended things, not me. ˝

˝Do you understand what they did to him? ˝

˝What they did… I know what they did. While you were frozen, I was collecting the pieces of his memory. I was the one who held him during nights. ˝

˝Then why can’t you forgive him? ˝

˝Because he promised me Steve. He promised, he promised me that the winter soldier will never hurt me again. ˝

˝It wasn’t his fault. ˝

˝I know, I shouldn’t have trusted him. Nothing good has ever come from trust. ˝ You took the towel and your hoodie from the floor and your left.

* * *

You were at the meeting, the most boring thing in the world. Bucky was sitting next to you. From the beginning of the meeting he was coming closer to you which you ignored. The Fury was explaining next two missions. You aren’t needed there for any of them, you will stay back. You were disappointed you hoped for a long mission, just to get away from Bucky. You wanted to move away from him, but how could you when he was always there in the corner of your eye. As the meeting finished, you stopped Bucky from leaving and you waited for others to leave. As you were finally alone, you turned your chair around to face him.

˝What are you doing Buck? ˝

˝I haven’t done anything. ˝ He was avoiding your eyes.

˝Stop it˝ Putting your palm on his you forced him to look up.

˝I’m just holding on the person I love. ˝ Tear rolled down his cheek as he looked away.

˝Please stop it. Go ahead, be sad, be lonely, but please leave me alone. ˝

˝Y/N/N, please. I can’t. ˝

˝No. Bucky, please I’m begging you to let me go. I love you, but there is a hole in my heart, that you created. And I can’t let you in again. I can’t trust you. You broke me, you made me feel so small and broken. ˝

˝I never wanted that. ˝He took your hand in his placing them on his knee. ˝I never meant to hurt you. I had flashbacks of the moment  before I pulled the trigger. Thousand pictures were replaying in my mind. I couldn’t let them take you. They would rape you, beat you, they would hurt you Y/N/N. ˝

˝So, you decided to hurt me instead. ˝ You lowered your head pulling your hand back. ˝I know that we are not perfect, I never craved for that, but I craved for you. I still do, but… ˝ You smiled sadly. ˝… If I knew what I know now. I would never come back. ˝

˝Y/N/N, don’t… ˝

˝Even after decade, it hurts the same. It will never stop. Make it easier for me, please stop trying to talk to me. Stop searching for me in the crowded room. ˝

You walked out the door when Bucky let the tears fall from his eyes.

* * *

It’s been three weeks from your talk with Bucky. He did as you asked. He closed himself in his room, barely going out. When he would leave, he would try his best to avoid you. He loved you, he wanted you to be happy, although he couldn’t have you.

You were sitting on the couch in the common area. You would turn around whenever you would hear somebody walking in. You hoped to see his face, but it was never him to enter the room. Every time your heart would break a little more. It was your decision, you thought that it was for the best, but it was hard for you to let him go. It’s hard to let the piece of you to go away.

˝Y/N˝

˝Hey, girl˝ You faked a smile at Wanda. She was a nice person, but you wanted to be alone, of course not completely.

˝Why don’t you talk to him? ˝

˝I already have. It would be stupid to… ˝

˝But I don’t understand. Why did you want him to let you go if his absence makes you sad? ˝ Wanda asked sitting down next to you.

˝It’s complicated. ˝

˝I know what happened. Why didn’t you confront him about it? ˝

You took a deep breath, trying to think of something reasonable, but you failed.

˝I… After it happened. I woke up in a body bag, buried in a shallow grave. I died. I wanted to run to him to hold him, but he put me there. He killed me. ˝

˝He was brainwashed. ˝

˝Once when he came home, he told me that he is always there. That he is behind the Winter soldier. He remembers everyone he killed because he was always there, like a witness. But he couldn’t remember killing me. It confuses me. Did he do it and forgot about it because it was to painful? ˝

˝Are you… ˝

˝I think that….Bucky killed me, not the winter soldier.˝ You couldn’t stop the tears escaping from your eyes.

˝Oh, is that even possible? I don’t understand… if he killed you than in the some weird way he didn’t break his promise! ˝

˝But that still doesn’t change anything. ˝

˝He saved you! ˝ Wanda said, putting her hand around you.

˝No, you are confused, he killed me! ˝

˝I know that this is going to sound strange, but he killed you so that he could save you. ˝ Wanda tried to explain.

˝No, it really doesn’t have sense. ˝

˝Just shut up and take him back! ˝

˝Why do you care? ˝

˝Because I looked inside his head. You are both just wasting your time. Y/N remember, you will maybe live forever, but he won’t. ˝


	8. Chapter 8

You spent days thinking about Bucky. Wanda was right, you have already lost one chance with him. You didn’t decide anything yet, but you were sure that you should give it a try. You were still mad at him, but you actually forgave him a while ago, although you would never admit it to anyone. What he did wasn’t right, but you did almost the same to him. You were playing games with him and you thought that you would enjoy it, but you didn’t. When you saw the look on his face while he was on his bedroom floor you got your heart broken all over again. You were always too proud to admit that your heart never really hated him, there wasn’t a day that passed by that you haven’t thought of him and now, finally, you will try to get the pieces of your heart together while there is still time to do so.

* * *

You were getting ready for Tony’s party. You didn’t want to go, but Wanda asked you to go with her. You wore a long elegant dress that had low back and you had black heels.

You walked in with Wanda looking around to find Bucky, but you couldn’t spot him. You sat at the bar drinking, although it didn’t have any affect on you.

˝What are you doing? ˝ Clint sat next to you and you took a shot.

˝Drinking. ˝

˝Is there a reason for it? ˝

˝Do I need the reason? ˝ You lowered your head, putting it in your palm.

˝If I didn’t know you I would say that you are drunk. ˝

˝No, sir˝ You chuckled. ˝Just sad. ˝

˝Still haven’t talked to him? ˝

˝He was on the mission, didn’t want to bother him. ˝

˝Go, now˝

˝I don’t know if he is even… ˝

˝Y/N he is over there. ˝ Clint showed you were Bucky was standing. He was in the corner alone dressed in the black suit. He was staring at the floor. You quickly walked to him putting your hand on his shoulder. He didn’t look up, he just whispered.

˝I’m not interested. ˝

You stood in front of him putting your finger underneath his chin, lifting it.

˝That’s a shame, Buck. ˝ Bucky was surprised by seeing you in front of him. You didn’t give him time to say something because you leaned in kissing him on the lips.

Bucky froze at the sudden contact and you pulled away.

˝I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… ˝

He cuts you off with a kiss. He hummed into the kiss and the kiss grow more passionate.

˝Guys, find a room. ˝ You heard Tony say and you pulled away with a smile on your face. You interviewed Bucky’s fingers with yours and you led him to the elevator. In the moment when the elevator door closed you pulled him closer kissing him. He trapped your body against the elevator and himself. He looked at you gazing in your eyes when a smile found its way to his face.

˝I love you. ˝ You said, breaking the silence. You played with his tie as he pushed you closer. You wrapped your legs around his waist and his both hands griped your ass to keep you steady. The elevator door opened and he rushed you both in his room. He placed you on his bed and you giggled, remembering the first time when you were intimate with him.

˝You are thinking about it, aren’t you? ˝ His voice was soft and he chuckled as you nodded. ˝It was one of the best days in my life. ˝

You couldn’t stop smiling and blushing. You smiled at him and he kissed the corner of your mouth. ˝You were so clumsy and awkward. It was adorable. ˝ You sat and he did the same.

˝I miss that. Is this… ˝ He showed between you two with his finger. ˝… is this going to happen? ˝

˝Yes. ˝

˝You want me back? ˝

˝I always wanted you. ˝ You stood up, turning your back to him, letting him unzip your dress. You shivered under his touch closing your eyes as he moved your hair on one side of your neck.

He placed his lips on your neck and his hands around your waist. You felt his  chest on your back and you turned around to face him. He laid you on the bed with his body over yours.                                                                                

˝I’m sorry˝ You said softly.

˝For what? ˝He stopped kissing you, waiting for you to continue.

˝I shouldn’t have played with you like I did. I was just broken. I wanted you to feel the pain that I felt…. ˝

˝But? ˝

˝But you already felt it. ˝

˝Y/N/N, you had every right to do what you did, if you hadn’t I would never see you again. ˝

You smiled, pulling him in for a kiss.

* * *

_˝Y/N/N have you seen my… ˝Bucky stopped talking when he walked into your bedroom. You were sleeping. He quietly lifted the covers and he laid beside you. You woke up at the sudden heat next to your body. You smiled seeing Bucky. You kissed his nose and he opened his eyes. You were used to waking up with him, you two shared a bed many times so it wasn’t awkward. You never really talked about having sex, but you decided that maybe you could try it now. You kissed him and instantly you felt his hands around your waist. You completely turned your body to him, lowering your lips to his jaw._

_˝What are you doing? ˝ He asked through his giggles._

_˝I thought that we could maybe… you know. ˝_

_His eyes got wider and you moved away thinking he wasn’t ready. ˝With me? ˝_

_˝Why does that surprise you? ˝_

_His arms haven’t let go of your hips and he pulled you closer. "I just… you really want to, but…. My body.. I˝_

_˝You are perfect. ˝ You said before leaning in. You rolled him on his back and you start kissing his neck._

_˝I… I don’t want to hurt you. ˝ His voice was soft, but you could hear that something was wrong. You lifted your chest from him supporting yourself with your hand next to his head. You waited for him to say something because you didn’t know what was going through his mind._

_˝I haven’t been with anyone since 40s. I just don’t know how to… ˝_

_˝I understand. We can try some other time if it… ˝ You pulled yourself completely off him and you sat on the bed your eyes fixated on the picture on the wall. It was you and Bucky you have taken it with Polaroid, you loved taking photos with it. The feeling of holding that moment that just passed by, it made you happy. You flinched surprised to feel Bucky’s hand on your shoulder._

_˝You can’t imagine how many times I wanted to make love to you, but I’m afraid.˝_

_˝Buck, it’s fine˝ You said not moving. His lips find its way to your neck and you gasped at the electricity that ran through your body. Gently he moved your hair on the side kissing the beginning of your spine. The smile spread on your face and you relaxed under his touch._

_˝Would you like to try again? ˝_

_The giggle escaped your lips and quickly Bucky was standing in front of you. He offered you his hand to stand and you took it. He placed his fingers on the hem of your shirt and he nervously played with it. His head was low and his breathing was faster than before._

_˝Hey, are you alright? ˝ You set your hand on his chest waiting for his answer._

_˝I’m just thinking. Is this what you really want? Don’t answer, just let me explain.˝ Bucky took a deep breath, preparing himself.  ˝I love you. I know we haven’t said it yet and I don’t want you to feel like you have to say it because you don’t have to. I know that you love me and that’s why you are always waiting for me even when I’m gone for six months. ˝ He smiled to himself moving his fingers to your hips. ˝ I really want you, you are perfect, but I’m not. I don’t want to hurt you. ˝_

_˝In my eyes you are perfect. ˝ You pulled your shirt over your head. ˝And you won’t hurt me. ˝ You took his shirt off and you start kissing his scar, where his metal arm began._

_He closed the distance between your bodies coming closer to you and he laid you on the bed. His lips moved across your collarbone and you unbuckle his pants._

_˝Your pants. ˝ You said silently after you managed to pull them down just above his knees. He tried to get up, but he fell on the floor. When he got up, he pulled them completely down to his ankles, he was just a second from removing them when he heard you laugh.Just a few seconds after, he pinned your hands above your head, setting himself on top of your body. His hand sneaks behind your back and he waited for your approval to unclasp your bra. You nodded and quickly after your bra landed on the floor._

_You tangled your fingers in his long hair and you pulled him closer. You were both just in your underwear and he nervously stared at you._

_˝I won’t break Buck. ˝_

_˝Do you promise to tell me if… ˝_

_˝Yeah. ˝_

_Not long after you were both completely naked in each other’s arms. Bucky would ask you once in a while if he is hurting you and you would just kiss his nose smiling at him. He was gentle and loving. He explored every part of your body with his delicate touch and you melted in his arms._


End file.
